heyk

[Luc]

I dont know if I can stay alive that long, but then, I dont think I can take my own life...

I'm sure you'll start improving much much faster, Iggy! We're with you all the time.

[Junior]

Iggy you need to stop reading these things. You have already identified being unable to believe in recovery as one of your biggest problems and reading about other people's protracted withdrawal is only going to negatively reinforce that belief.

A negative belief does NOT need to be negatively reinforced. It would be far better if you started challenging your thoughts and telling yourself that there is a LOT of evidence that you WILL recover.

[Iggy131313]

Junior, it was a PM to me, how can I not read it? I get what your saying but the reality is that only some people recover, and Im in such a bad way I can see me being one of the ones who wont, my brain simply wont allow me to see any hope. :(

[Junior]

Fair enough about the PM :)

And remember, you are feeling neuro-emotion and the odds are that the majority of it is NOT the real you. I know it's not easy but the best thing for you would be to push the negative thoughts away and try to focus on the positive.

[Iggy131313]

I know, thats why I have posted the majority of the success stories on the thread on PP, I have now filled 3 pages full!! I try to hold onto the positive and think that I am young, am I fit and healthy, I have support, I exercise etc, I was on the drug for only 2.5 years (too long, but could be worse) and try to tell myself that I have a chance of recovery...

and I think of Bliss Johns, she says when you think ''what if I never heal'' that you should gently replace that thought with a positive statement, if I just KNEW it was going to be ok I could cope, but its the fact that it could go either way...

then I say to myself, if it could go either way then I should focus on the positive, if people recover why shouldnt I be one of the ones who does, but my brain gives me plenty of reasons

1) I was on 40mg for a year before I went down to 20 for 1.5 years

2) I messed around SO MUCH by not taking for days until my head would zap then I start again, I did this multiple times

3) I CTed

4) THEN I had an adverse reaction

I mean...the odds are against me, I read a post from samsara here, she said in all her reading that the people who took the longest to heal and had the worst time were the people who had a kindling rection, honestly I didnt sleep for 2 days when I read that. oh god what have I done

[squirrel]

Iggy, when i first started on this journey there was only one forum I found for help. I stopped in 2005 I had no idea about tapering or anything.I went through 9 months thinking It was just me not coping.You have all this advice and support , just try and get through each day as best you can no one has any concrete answers for you as no one did for me. You just have to what you can do and keep on walking. Tomorrow is always another day and every day is different. we can all kick ourselves for the situation we are in but it does not help it is what it is and we have to just carry on.

[Iggy131313]

I know your right S, and I AM very VERY grateful for all the support and advice, and in my opinion, there IS only 1 forum...THIS ONE!!!

But its a double edged sword, when I first found out it was w/d, I was happy (in a way) I understood what was happening and everyone said you healed, that it may take upto 2 years, I could cope with that...then as I learned more and more and saw that no, not everyone healed, and the timeframe was much bigger, things started spiraling out of control.

You probably think Im being a big baby, and I know I am, and I know no one has the answers, I guess Im still coming to terms with the fact that my life has been blown to pieces, Im trying to carry on, but the question remains in my mind as to if Im strong enough or if it would be better to end it all before my sonm is old enough to remember me, that hurts, but its the truth, I dont want to be driven to suicide years down the line when my son is old enough to understand and old enough to mourn me...depressing as hell but that is how Im thinking and I need to voice that.

Carry on walking through hell eh? well at least I have good compainship in hell, you guys...

[stan]

i like what squirrel said, i am not able to say this,
what has to happen will happen, it is life, suffering in advance is useless, when it will come, we will have all the time to suffer;
the toxicity is not in the same places in each body, and there is a individual factor, nobody can know if he will suffer years or not; our job is to stop the poison and wait making alternative methods to help if we can;
i am waiting also and there is no miracle; only some mild wave/window patterns; yesterday i feel mild better, today worse, it is my new wonderful life

[Junior]

Iggy, there is one positive you can definitely take out of this - when you DO recover (and you will, I know it) - you will be SO much better at dealing with anxiety and uncertainty in your life. Maybe you could look at this time as a growing time?

For the record, I felt many of the same feelings you have - even though it had nothing to do with a/ds - when I was going through my 7 unsuccessful attempts at IVF. I had wanted children since I was 4-5 years old. Having and perpetuating family meant everything to me and not being able to do it - especially since the one child I do have has autism and intellectual disability - almost destroyed me. I was a fragmented person who then suffered depression and anxiety. Several months of therapy helped immensely - I had an excellent psychotherapist (my editor is impressed!) - and I emerged strong and whole again. Writing my book about my journey was cathartic and it is only now, while working with my editor, that I'm discovering the depth of my trauma and grief, and can really understand why I was affected so deeply. The upside is that my approach to life now is completely different. I am far more comfortable with uncertainty and far better at living in the moment. I will never fully get over my loss but I have learnt to live with it. It is my hope that what you are going through now will result in a similar outcome for you.

[Junior]

I know, thats why I have posted the majority of the success stories on the thread on PP, I have now filled 3 pages full!! I try to hold onto the positive and think that I am young, am I fit and healthy, I have support, I exercise etc, I was on the drug for only 2.5 years (too long, but could be worse) and try to tell myself that I have a chance of recovery...

and I think of Bliss Johns, she says when you think ''what if I never heal'' that you should gently replace that thought with a positive statement, if I just KNEW it was going to be ok I could cope, but its the fact that it could go either way...

then I say to myself, if it could go either way then I should focus on the positive, if people recover why shouldnt I be one of the ones who does, but my brain gives me plenty of reasons

1) I was on 40mg for a year before I went down to 20 for 1.5 years

2) I messed around SO MUCH by not taking for days until my head would zap then I start again, I did this multiple times

3) I CTed

4) THEN I had an adverse reaction

I mean...the odds are against me, I read a post from samsara here, she said in all her reading that the people who took the longest to heal and had the worst time were the people who had a kindling rection, honestly I didnt sleep for 2 days when I read that. oh god what have I done

Having just posted my last post, then re-readingthis, it occurred to me that what you going through right now is a traumatic grief reaction. Part of your life has been taken from you, a part you feel you will never get back, and because you don't know if / when you will get your 'old' life back - you are grieving for it.

I don't have a lot of spare time at the moment - a trip to organise, book to finish editing, volunteer telephone counselling, etc.. but I may be able to give you some tips on dealing with your grief. If you are interested, PM me and I will see if I can send you some info. I have been studying Grief and Loss Counselling so I have some good stuff on this.