Not the best topic to open with i realize. But i made up my mind. I wanna get back on a drug and stabilize and then do a slow taper if possible.

i was hoping you guys could give me some advice.

I have had a serious anxiety disorder my whole life. I could manage to live a life (just had nightmares as a kid and avoided stuff) untill age 22. Then i developed insane agoraphobia and social anxiety. I couldnt speak to anyone without panic. After a year of hell i started to swallow paxil. I also went into a clinic for CBT. Slept there during the week. And with CBT and paxil i managed to get a bit of a life. off course never really happy and side effects like getting fat, need for alcohol etc. But i had some life. Friends, sports, work etc. It was hard now and then with anxiety but still.

I grew as a person and things got better. I was always on 20 mg paxil so i tapered to 15 mg in 2010 (now 11 years on paxil). This went ok. I continued life. Until 1,5 later my agoraphobia came back. Also my social anxiety. it started at work giving a presentation and i got anxious. Next week with friends at the tennisbar, 3 weeks later in a store, etc etc. Before i knew it it was july 2011 and i had to call in sick from work. My agoraphobia and social anxiety was full blown back. I had panic attacks also at home now. And i couldnt speak to a living soul without panic.

In october 2011 i went to a psychiatrist and he told me that lexapro is a much better drug. So he did a cold turkey switch on me. within 1 day i was from 15 mg paxil to 10 mg lexapro. Hell broke lose. 3 weeks of WD flu like i had malaria. But the anxiety was insane. Couldnt sleep. My mother (i am 36) had to hold my hand in bed etc etc. But wahats worst; ..my mind shut down somehow. I got serious dp/dr. I viewed the world as being not real. I wasnt connected to my body anymore. I just felt like 2 eyes on the world. Also i had a lot of brain fog. It went worse and worse untill dec 2011 i was hospitalized in the mental ward. They increased to 20 mg lexapro but hell stayed. I couldnt sleep at all. They gave me 50 mg oxazepam. But soon the oxa was contraworking and kept me from sleeping. I left the hospital because they werent really helping and went living with my parents.

I tapered the lexapro. I also tapered the oxazepam. Medio may 2012 i was off all drugs. now 3 months and 2 weeks. But things havent improved. My sleep is better. But my anxiety is still very high. Cant leave the house for far. The dp/dr is still after 10 months there. Never lifted for 1 sec. And i keep getting panic. Also still cant speak to anybody except a doctor and my parents. I practise but the panic is insane. I had this problem before the drugs and its only worse now.

Last few weeks i feel like i am at the end of my robe. The panic is getting worse and the now 14 months of panic is getting to me. I get more and more weird thoughts and feelings. Like i am scared of myself. As if the world is not real and i feel so unreal. it is very hard to explain. like i dont know who i am. And i dont mean that on a philosophical level. It's just like my mind, my being feels unreal. Like the pieces of myself are scattered. Like i see myself and scare myself. Like that voice in my head feels weird and scares me. I feel like i am losing it.
And the anxiety level is through the roof. If someone walks by the house i get scared like they are coming to get me. And my arms and legs are numb due to panic so i dont feel them anymore.

Anyways its enough. First of all i have a very very severe original anxiety disorder to start with. Perhaps one that needs to be medicated for always (all though i dont believe in the serotonin deficiency). And secondly the WD is insane. I think i am gonna hurt myself if i keep like this. I can also feel my mind scattering; every day a bit more.
So a drug it is. But what drug? The doctor says a small dose of antipsychotics. Something i always refused but since i am starting to be scared of myself and the whole world feels unreal;...perhaps. it is the most horrible feeling in the world to even be scared of holding a glass of water cause it feels so unreal,..its beyond DP.
But besides antipsychotics (which i still might refuse) i need a drug. Doctor was thinking of an TCA;..but i dont know;..its to oldschool. But she also said that paxil helped me greatly over the years. So she wnts me back on that.

normally i would take paxil again...if not that this whole HELL started with paxil not working anymore. There is only 1 problem. Before paxil pooped out on me i dropped from my normal dose of 20 mg to 15 mg. But it was a year or more before my breakdown. Could that be the cause? A bit wd ok;..but 5 mg less and my original problem is back like that? Could paxil work on me again? Going back on a different ssri after my hell with lexapro doesnt seem right. But waiting is NOT an option anymore;..so please dont suggest that. I dont wanna hurt myself or lose my mind. I hope someone can answer my questions:

1.) Could i have been the 15 mg paxil that drove me back? (all though i find it eird that 5 mg less can undo all my cbt lessons and exposure therapy) Or was it poopout?

2.) Is it possible, all though not likely, that after a poopout when you are off the drug for 10 monhts,..that paxil might work again? An article (CLICK) says so. Any truth to that? or has anyone ever seen it?

3.) The hell that started after paxil to lexapro switch. Was that proberbly due to paxil wd or adverse reaction to lexapro? I had and still have :
- brain fog
- adrenaline bursts
- anxiety
- panic
- burning nerves (like in boiling water all day)
- Dp/DR
- unreality feeling
- racing thoughts
- bad vision
- fears
- very over sensitized nerves system

A note: a.) i never had much physical symtoms like zaps etc b.) some of those symptoms i had before all rugs c.) i had them all when i was on lexapro aswell. It didnt decrease it at all.

4.) What would you guy advice me? TCA? another ssri? back to paxil? All 3 have pros and cons. i can mak an argument for all of them. If i will go back on pail i will try with 1 mg pr week increase.

THANKS for any help