Hi guys, I hopeing for some advice.

Here is my story

What I really want to know is 'is a kindling reaction the same as an adverse reaction' please if you have the time read my story and advise as to what I should do, and what hope is there for me, was this an ADVERSE reaction or a KINDLING reaction? are they the same thing? and am I guarenteed a 2 year recovery period or is there hope I could recover faster?

ok, here it is....

The first time I was on celexa was because I was very physically ill and the dr just prescribed it, I didnt even know what it was and I didnt need it.

9 weeks ago I had an adverse reaction to restarting celexa after being off for 6 months(ish)

I CT off celexa the first time and only had head zaps, no problem never thought anything of it. Then 9 weeks ago I had an asthma attack that led to a panic attack. I had never had a panic attack before so I thought, I know, Ill go and get that AD that the dr had me on before, that will stop me having another one of those things....

Thats when my life turned into a living hell...

I took the first 20mg and felt a little funny that day, I started to feel anxious and couldnt figure out why I thought perhaps it was the lingering memory of the panic attack.

That night I had another panic attack

So the next day (being ignorant) I thought I would double my dose and take 40mg so as to calm down the feelings (thinking that ssris work like benzos) WOW that day was horrific, I started looking online and realised it was the cit, and thought it must have been bad side effects. well Im not taking anymore of this I thought.

So day 3 I took nothing but still felt absolutely AWFUL my anxiety was through the roof and I began to panic that it wasnt the meds that it must be me.

So day 4 I awoke in a panic attack and took 10mg, I will never forget that day, my mum had just arrived to visit me from Spain where she lives and I tried to go for a coffee with her, I couldnt get to the end of the street the SEVERE anxiety was overwhelming, I have never felt anything like it.

I went home and because I couldnt handle the light shut the curtains in the bedroom and lay on the bed. But I was overwhelmed with wave after wave of SEVERE anxiety, SEVERE aggitation, I couldnt speak only beg for help, I couldnt cry, I could stand any sounds or lights, I was SEVERELY confused and I have to say it was the worst I have ever felt, EVER. Dread and Terror were the only only emotions in me.

The next day I started taking 20mg again but I remained in this state for 3 days, unable to move.

Afetr 3 days I was able to cry, I cried and it was great, but all the other symptoms were still there, calling the drs they said - this can be normal keep going. I was so scared I just did as I was told.

Over the next week I was severely anxious and aggitated but also began to get other symptoms such as SEVERE D/P and feeling disconnected from the world, I was able to leave the house without running home but it was so dream like and I had to hang onto my mum for dear life.

The next week was the week before my period and I thought as I was able to leave the house the week before that things may start top improve - WRONG - I was launched straight back to sqaure one this week, I now realise it was because of my hormones around that time. My symptoms lasted all day, and all night, I couldnt eat, I was severely anxious and aggitated at all times, I was having moments of rage (wow, never felt that before) and began to sink into a terrible deep depression.

I stayed at 20mg for nearly 6 weeks and no showed no improvement or any sign of these terrible feelings going away, I went between crying and suicidal thoughts and when that would stop the next wave of chemical anxiety would rush over me. My brain was throbbing and I was having severe confusion so I would sit on the loo and pee without taking off my jeans.

I went to the drs and sried that this wasnt right, it wasnt normal after 6 weeks to still feel like this, they rang the Pdoc who said..the effects of celexa would have worn off by now and I must have a severe underlying condition!!!!!

WHAT???? Well you could have fooled me! The dr wanted to try me on another drug but I said no way, I only started taking this because of 1 panic attack, and it shocked me to think I would be getting on the drug merry go round. I cut my dose down to 10mg that night.

After 3 days I felt a little better on the 10mg, I was still having terribel chemical anxiety and depression but the d/p and confusion were much improved. But then 3 days later my pre period week kicked in and I went downhill again, I took back to my bed and was in an agony of mental torture.

I went to a different dr who again phoned a pdoc, he said what I needed to do was go to the maximum dose of celxea and to go back upto 20mg straight away with a view to going upto 40. Once again I did as I was told.

I took 20mg for 2 days and went upto 30, I was suicidal, I saw no point in living anymore and began to make plans for how I could kill myself without my hubby and son seeing me and causing minimal pain to them.

All I could do was cry and shiver.

Then, I came across an account of someone who had suffered an adverse reaction, I read about the kindling effect and it all clicked. This is what was happening to me, at last something made sense. A terrifying sense seeing as most people take 2 years to recover but i saw myself in it and I knew it wasnt an underlying condition, my brain hadnt snapped or broken.

So after the 5 days on 30mg I decided to come down again, I did a few days on 20mg and have now been on 10mg for 2 days (I will take dose 3 today)

My days now are strange, I am terrible in the morning, high anxiety that doesnt belong to me, I shake all day long and have headaches, but my evenings are ok. I sleep well and often feel tired during the day.

But thats if Im sat alone in my bedroom, I tried to go to a museum the other day with my hubby and son and it was a disaster, my anxiety was through the roof, I wasnt anxious and I tried every trick in the book, I wasnt scared of it but it stuck around anyway, its chemical, I dont recognise it and it doesnt belong to me.

I came home and cried for everything I have lost.

I signed off work and cant see myself going back anytime soon, Im depressed and anxious most of the time and my hubby is already sick of it. I have a 3 year old boy who I love so much but feel like I can no longer be a proper mum to him. I NEVER thought this would happen to me.

Im hoping there are people out there who recover from an adverse effect quicker than the 2 year mark, if anyone has any positive info I would love to see it.