kindling effect

[Luc]

I was on 40mg for a year then 20mg for a year, I CTed in Jan this year, is it really possible that 6 months later I start to have w/d?

It's absolutely possible, and it happens in some cases, Iggy.

Ive been back to the drs today and it was obvious that she didnt believe me about having a bad reaction to cit this time around.

It's typical, unfortunately. They would believe it only if they went through this hell themselves.

I'd say the coming week or two would show a more definite picture. Hang in there!

[Iggy131313]

im so scared guys, i know these drugs are still hurting me, i will do as you advise and see where i am in 2 weeks but im really terrified that even after coming off them, if i feel better that w/d could hit me at anytime out of the blue, how can this have happened?

i noticed when i took my inhalor (not steroid tabs or anything) that it increased my heartrate a little but that doesnt bother me, its just the chemical anxiety that i cant handle, you can tell the difference cant you?

the trouble with the next couple of weeks is that they are my pms/period weeks and over the past couple of months i have got worse over those weeks, everythings so scary.

if it was w/d when i had the PA i just wish i had known what i know now, i would have been 5 months into recovery now im not even 1 day into my recovery.

you say i may not have a prtracted recovery from this but is the damage not done by the horrible adverse reaction already? could it be that my system may recover faster than 18months once the drug is out of my system?

[Iggy131313]

and sheila, you say it will get better from here but how can that be if i start to feel ok and then go back to this again and again? with it being non linier surely there are really bad, even worse times ahead of me? oh god!!

[Iggy131313]

I mean, have you ever come accross someone who had an adverse reaction, came off and was ok in a couple of months? I just wish I knew what to do for the best. Im terrified of making the wrong move

[Sheila]

Iggy – You will eventually be totally healed. You are still in a rough place, and it might be difficult at times for awhile. But, you absolutely cannot trust your own assessment of the future right now – it is seriously warped by the chemical chaos you’re going through.

Be aware that increased heart rate *will* contribute to anxiety. They are not the same thing, but they do influence each other in both directions.

My w/d symptoms also got worse during PMS and menstruation. It’s very frustrating. I would seem to be stabilizing, and then, every month, had to go through a worsening again. However, this worsening will become more mild. You can’t assume your future will be like your recent past. You have been through a hellacious series of dosages and changes recently. As you stabilize, the PMS stuff will be annoying but not scary.

Remember two things – 1) in the future, even if you have w/d, you won’t be dealing with the fallout of high dose and many dose changes, 2) you cannot trust your feelings about the future right now – you are being brainwashed by chemicals.

Oh sure, there are people who have an adverse reaction and are well in a couple of months. Having an adverse reaction doesn’t mean anything except that you are having an adverse reaction right now.

Let's talk about what you're doing to soothe yourself. You must start doing something, even if it's just a drop in the bucket. Even if you're just going through the motions.

[Iggy131313]

To sooth myself, I come on these sites and reassure myself that Im not going crazy and that others have been through the same. Before I realised what was happening I thought I was truly going crazy.

This site and PP even though Im on them too much make me feel a little better. If its TOO bad I lye down on my bed and try to read or watch telly.

I try to find something to look forward to THAT DAY if I try to think too far ahead then I get anxious. for example we have some friends visiting later for a cuppa and I know that will be a nice distraction, it doesnt take things away but distraction is good.

I watch films, telly, anything to pass the time and possibly be a distraction.

I walk to the local high street, its not comfortable but gets me out of the house and makes me feel like Ive at least done something!

diazepam do nothing for me so I dont bother taking anything, even when I cant sleep ive given up taking them and I just get up and have a cup of warm milk.

Im dreading next week, but Ill have to see how bad it is.

I hope to god things will get better for me, thankyou so much for your advice and reassurance guys.

the symptoms Im having this week are

Anxiety moderate - some blasts that are worse and last about an hour
depression - crying jags
confusion
slight dp
shaking
bladder reatained then once working cant stop peeing
brain fog

oh gosh do you think i can recover?

[Iggy131313]

Oh and add

insomnia
racing hard beating heart
rumination
twitching face, legs, shoulder etc

but last week I was planning my suicide, wow, never even had that kind of thought before, but since my drop to 10 that has improved, ALOT has improved since dropping to 10

things that have improved

suicidal ideation and planning, writing suicide notes etc
bleeding from the bottom!!!!!!!!
SEVERE anxiety - not ultra severe since the drop
crying all day every day

[Iggy131313]

alot of people advise me not to be on the sites, but it makes me feel better and somehow makes me feel safe.

when I am ready I will try to spend less time on them and I obviously have periods of time everyday that Im not on them, when Im watching telly or seeing people, going to the shops. But Im not ready to push myself to stay away.

If I avoid the sites and try to play 'lets pretend' my anxiety just increases because Im HYPER aware that Im trying to force myself into doing things and pretending the symptoms are not there is just too stressful

[Iggy131313]

Oh and I forgot to add the ULKTRA VIVID nightamres as something I am still having EVERY NIGHT!!!

[Luc]

The distractions are a very good strategy. Good to hear it brings you relief to post and read more about the symptoms, (the more you learn about the symptoms, the more you realize it's *not* real you but the drugs). If I were to name this one thing that helps MOST in WD, it'd be the realization of what *really* is going on. You can and you will heal from it.