Can't Hold On Anymore Please Someone Help Me

[Needinghelp]

I am suffering so badly. I feel hopeless, and extremely depressed. I dont want to live anymore seriously. I see so many people suffer for so long like Buxy222, Squirrel, Elisa, Leo, Frankdee and all of you guys here still disabled and having really horrible symptoms even 8/9 years off. Some didnt even take this for that long. I messed up so badly. Really badly and had an adverse reaction on top of everything. I am suffering with no let up of symptoms I dont even feel better for 1 minute. I have severe depression, massive derealization, apathy, anhedonia, Heart palpitations, dizziness, tinnitus, head pressure, sinus, fatigue when does this end? Please I dont know if I can hold on anymore I am very suicidal and dont know what to do. I know people recover but i have also seen people not recover I cant live like this anymore. I dont have insurance or money so how must i go see someone to talk to or help me? Im stuck and dont see an end to this. Really i dont see how this can get any better.

I suffered from depression and anxiety since I was small but it was bareable. I am at my wits end.

[Junior]

Needing help - if you really are suicidal you should go to an Emergency Room or call a Telephone Counselling service. A message board is not equipped to handle this.

Aside from that, can you find any positives amongst all the negatives? Have you seen any improvement in any of your symptoms? Are you able to gain any pleasure from things? Anything? Hope is very important and if you can answer any of my questions with a positive, then you have a good starting point.

Also, could you look back at some of the things you said above and maybe say them again,but in a more positive way? For example:
"I am suffering with no let up of symptoms" could become "it is really hard when the symptoms are constant"
"I don't know if I can hold on anymore" could become "this is really really hard"
"I don't know what to do" could be "I really need support and advice"

Do you see how changing the wording changes things?

[Needinghelp]

Junior - I'm safe at work, and after that I am at home with my mom. I dont want to commit suicide I really really dont. This is just Sooo hard living like this 24/7 it makes my life so incredibly hard.

Well, my anxiety is better, but then my DR got worse... I dont understand it. I sleep well at night, so i guess thats a positive. I have so much to live for, but its not worth it in the current state im in. I cant enjoy anything. I breed Chihuahuas and just recently had a beautiful litter, but cant feel joy or happiness. It breaks me. I was once a very emotional person, could feel deeply. It saddens me to see the person that I have become...

I see what you mean. I guess if im more positive things would be easier for me... I need to start implementing that now. I dont know why i cant stop reading the negative. Whats wrong with me? Why am I doing this?

[Luc]

JI see what you mean. I guess if im more positive things would be easier for me... I need to start implementing that now. I dont know why i cant stop reading the negative. Whats wrong with me? Why am I doing this?

It's the result of the drugs, Needinghelp. In WD, our minds will obsessively gravitate towards the worst thoughts and scenarios. But it's *not* real you. It may feel like hell, for hell it is to be under such a barrage of symptoms, but it won't last forever. The very fact that your symptoms are changing, morphing from one into another, is the proof that your body, your CNS are working very hard on re-aligning themselves. Your brain is figuring out ways of fixing itself, and it's been in such self-fixing process since you have been in WD. It is very very likely this moment now is the worst one and it will, step by step, start improving.

[Needinghelp]

It's the result of the drugs, Needinghelp. In WD, our minds will obsessively gravitate towards the worst thoughts and scenarios. But it's *not* real you. It may feel like hell, for hell it is to be under such a barrage of symptoms, but it won't last forever. The very fact that your symptoms are changing, morphing from one into another, is the proof that your body, your CNS are working very hard on re-aligning themselves. Your brain is figuring out ways of fixing itself, and it's been in such self-fixing process since you have been in WD. It is very very likely this moment now is the worst one and it will, step by step, start improving.

Luc, you said it wont last forever. It feels like it will. I think thats the worst of it all. I see people recover, even the worst case cenarios, but still i dont believe i will feel any better than now. I feel like how can this get better? I have so much fear, I have never feared anything so much in my entire life and it is going on for 6 months now. Its so bad I just want to dissapear. Does every single person on this planet recover? Have you seen people with DR for 8 years then it goes away or will they have it life long?

[Luc]

Luc, you said it wont last forever. It feels like it will. I think thats the worst of it all. I see people recover, even the worst case cenarios, but still i dont believe i will feel any better than now.

WD makes us think this way, Needinghelp. The truth is, *no matter * how dire the starting point is - c/t/and/or poly-frugged and/or/length of time spent on drugs, etc., the improvement continues. This type of dysautonomia self-corrects with time.

[Junior]

Junior - I'm safe at work, and after that I am at home with my mom. I dont want to commit suicide I really really dont.

Phew! I understand the desire to escape from it all though. Personally I envy your ability to sleep because this has been my biggest problem since Paxil first began to poop-out on me. So there you are. You are better off than me in that respect. LOL!

This is just Sooo hard living like this 24/7 it makes my life so incredibly hard.

Yes it does. And you are entitled to be frustrated and angry. Of course not being able to feel emotions like those makes it even harder.

Well, my anxiety is better, but then my DR got worse... I dont understand it. I sleep well at night, so i guess thats a positive. I have so much to live for, but its not worth it in the current state im in. I cant enjoy anything. I breed Chihuahuas and just recently had a beautiful litter, but cant feel joy or happiness. It breaks me. I was once a very emotional person, could feel deeply. It saddens me to see the person that I have become...

This is the non-linear thing about recovery. It is very very hard to deal with because we are raised to expect to 'get better' after getting sick. It's not supposed to go around in circles! But as Luc has said, you can take comfort from the fact that the changes mean your brain IS healing - albeit slowly.

I see what you mean. I guess if im more positive things would be easier for me... I need to start implementing that now. I dont know why i cant stop reading the negative. Whats wrong with me? Why am I doing this?

The others have chimed in with some very good ideas on how to deal with this. I want to add another - something I've seen mentioned by a poster at another forum. She calls it her 'doomsday thoughts' and tries to distance herself from them; to just observe them. I've been caught up in the w/d negative thinking at times and I know how hard it is. We think it is our 'normal' self and our 'normal' feelings, but it isn't. So if you can keep reframing and putting a more positive spin on things, it will help -if only a little.

[Mike]

I agree with Luc. This intense focus on the negative isn't you but rather a part of the biology of withdrawal. If you can label it as such (over and over again) it will reduce it's power over you. Also, read a bit from your CBT book each day and learn to challenge and reframe those distorted thoughts. This is something that over time can make a difference. It requires practice but if you do it long enough it will help. It might also be helpful to read all of the success story threads at pp and elsewhere. Print them out and read them over and over again.

Let me repeat why I am hopeful for you.

1. You have already improved. Most people who are effected for long periods don't improve as early as you do.
2. You are young, which means that you have an increased capacity for neuroplasticity compared to someone who is older. I was nearly 20 years older than you at the stage of healing you are at and my DR was gone in 13 months.
3. I believe that on average duration of use plays a big role and you had a relative short duration of use.

Finally, I agree with junior. In an emergency you really need to reach out to professionals but it makes sense to start actively looking for safe places to seek treatment now rather than later. For instance, in some parts of the world there are organizations (e.g., Soteria House) that work to support people in crisis with no medication or very minimal medication. As an act of self-care start exploring your options in your community for who might be able to support you best. There are some very caring knowledgeable people people here but you also need people who can help you face to face.

We are cheering for you, NH! You know what they say about going through hell. *Keep going*. You are healing :)

-Mike

[Needinghelp]

Thank you Mike. I appreciate your help so much. Yes, I will start with my CBT Book as soon as possible. Although Im not too sure what CBT is, but everyone says it can help so I will try it.

You are right, I have seen some small improvements, but not with the DR its worse I feel like im not here anymore. I feel like im gone...
Turning 24 on the 25th of this month. I havent seen young people in withdrawal for a long time though so I am hopeful
Yes, I took the drug for 4 years, but had an adverse reaction to a different one. That makes me worryThanks you so much Mike. Your support means more than anything to me. Thank you all for believing in me :-)

[Junior]

Although Im not too sure what CBT is,

I can help you with that. CBT = cognitive behaviour therapy

It is the melding of two different theoretical approaches to therapy - cognitive, and behavioural. The cognitive part addresses the way you think. Some of the stuff I've said to you in the past is along those lines. For example, you are afraid you will suffer DR for the rest of your life. What if you change that to "I'm afraid I will suffer DR for a long time"? Or "I'm afraid because I don't know how long this DR will last"? Or even simply "I don't like how DR feels and I'm scared of it".

The second approach is called behaviourism. The idea behind it is that we can't see what a person is thinking so we can't measure it. What we CAN do, however, is change a person's behaviour and by extension, their mind should change as well. So CBT is a combination of changing your thinking patterns and your behaviours. Does that make sense?