How do you get through the day?

[Iggy131313]

What do you guys do with your time? I just feel like every hour lasts an eternity, and its such a struggle to get through each day, I cant even rely on the evenings being better because they are not always better, last night I had free floating anxiety and inner restlessness all night...that makes it sound like there are times its not there, thats not the case...Its always there but sometimes the evenings are less in intensity...I hate this life and Im very afraid...

My days look like this

12pm - wake up and get up (I know its late but I cant sleep at night and Im happy to wake up at this time as it makes the days shorter)

I then smoke and tell myself Im gong to be ok, Im going to be ok etc
CRY
1pmish- I go to the local shops for tea. I do this weird thing where if Im going to cross a road I tell myself ''look how time passes now I am at this side of the road'' and then when I have crossed I say to myself ''see the time passed, Ive crossed the road, now I cant imagine the time passing and me being in the shop'' etc etc
CRY
I come home and come on here and check my emails, I read success stories that give me hope.
CRY
3pm - I walk to get my son from school, its horrific, I see the other parents all normal and enjoying life as I would have done if this hadnt happened.
CRY
4pm - I ususally play mario on the wii with my boy watching because this is something he enjoys and I try to focus my mind away from w/d, It does NOT work.....during the next 2 hours (between 4 and 6) I notice my discomfort increases, I think its because of the cortisol spike at this time.
BIG BIG CRY
5pm - I make my son his tea and run a bath for myself
CRY
5.30pm - I have a bath and try to relax or something close to it, of course it doesnt work I only have this daily bath (apart from hygeine) to fill the time.
REALLY MASSIVE CRYING FIT HERE
6pm - maybe more mario, or try to read a book
CRY
7pm - Put my son to bed - horrific, makes me so sad
MAJOR CRYING BREAKDOWN
7.30pm - once again try to fill the time, come on here, read, mario
CRY
10pm - My hubby will go to bed - I continue with what whatever I was doing
CRY
12 misnight - 3am - This is when I get a little relief usually, I make something to eat, and read my book on the sofa.
BED - cry myself to sleep and hope that I die in my sleep, imagine Im dying and the pain will stop

That is how my days go, sounds like fun?

[Sheila]

Somehow, you still manage to have a sense of humor, Iggy! Impressive.

There are definitely phases of this thing when there is no real relief. But they *always* end. One thing I'm wondering about your adding to your schedule is something that feels creative, productive, an investment in your future. I'm not saying you will love it or feel great, but it would be an investment in your future and it might make you feel a teeny bit better about yourself.

[m&m]

Sounds dreadful ... all except the part where you get to spend time with your son and go out for tea.

Just keep hanging on. This too shall pass my IAWP sis. It's great that you are able to get out!!!!

[Iggy131313]

Thanks sheila, I was making some toys (I make sock monkeys - or used to) my plan was to make as many as I could during w/d and then when its over have a stall and sell them all as a kind of door closing on w.d...of course that was my plan when I believed that everyone recovered in a couple of years, now Im rather more hopeless :(

[Luc]

Absolutely so. If there was anything you would be able to do, no matter how small, it's worth trying at least, Iggy. It helps to pull through the worst. You are very brave. Just stay the course.

[Iggy131313]

I dont feel brave Luc, I feel like I wimp, I know Im being a wimp about it, Im sure if I knew that I would recover that I could be stronger, and even stronger if I knew that recovery would happen in 18-24 months, but sadly we just dont know how its going to be. :(

You guys are the strong ones...I dont know how I havent killed myself in the past 6 months and you guys have been dealing with this for years!

I dont know if I am strong enough to do it, but I have to try to hold on for my son, Im heartbroken, so heartbroken.

[m&m]

You will heal Iggy! I was watching a video that this guy posted about his Regalan and Benzo experience.... He was put on it b/c of heart burn and had a horrible adverse reaction (he became sick like us) then some sort of weird w/d from the benzos they gave him to counter that. Anyway, the point is he was saying that during his "recovery time" it was like his brain would not allow him to think anything would ever be ok again. This guy recovered and even did a video on family support for people during this time. Strange how with these adverse reactions and/or WD feels like it is straight up hopeless... but that's not true. There is hope and you will one day be healed.

[Luc]

You are strong enough, Iggy. And you will heal very nicely from it. It all feels terrible, the symptoms are absurd, but they are just temporary. You are now ar 1.5 mg? When is the next drop? Just a little bit more...

[Iggy131313]

Im on 1.2, I go down to 1 in 2 weeks, then its

0.8
0.6
0.4
0.2
off

OR

0.8
0.6
0.4
0.3
0.2

off

Not sure yet..Im scared

[Iggy131313]

I just had a bad moment in the post office, I wa sin the queue waiting to buy a stamp to post my most recent sick note into work and that Kate Bush song came on in there

''It doesnt hurt me, let me feel how you feel''
''If I only could, Id make a deal with God, and Id offer to swap our places''

well the tears started and I felt like a fool, I tried to stop it and calm down, I didnt make a scene or anything, just silent tears falling, very painful.

How often my parents have said this to me, and I look at people in the street and think why isnt it you, why is it me?

sometimes I try to reverse that and imagine that my beautiful son is the one suffering with this and I have taken it away from him so he doesnt have to suffer, guys will I heal? Im so deep into this, Im finding it very difficult to cope.