How many of you are experiencing it? The state of mind when nothing brings pleasure, and the joy is long-forgotten? Please, share your experience.
How many of you are experiencing it? The state of mind when nothing brings pleasure, and the joy is long-forgotten? Please, share your experience.
Last edited by Luc; 09-10-2011 at 07:48 PM.
Keep walking. Just keep walking.
Hi Luc..
Thank You for bringing this subject up. i have a few thoughts, perhaps derived from necessity as I think at least trying to gain some understanding can often help to cope with what i believe to be a symptom with profound negative effects on the human experience.
Maybe trying to explain to a "well person", what Anhedonia means, or maybe what doctors and physciatrists use as justification for inducing this cruel and torturous condition on children and adults alike, feelings (or rather non feelings) of Anhedonia perhaps wouldn't sound so bad... After all if one can't feel then one can't feel or experience negative emotions or bad feelings right?... Wrong!.. Paradoxically negative feelings and emotions are often exacerbated due to the inability of our chemically assaulted brains to process/produce the chemicals needed to counteract negative thoughts,anxiety,depression etc and inhibits our bodies natural process of alleviation from such conditions. As a consequence we are often trapped in what seems an everlasting claustrophobic like condition, unable to move forward because of our inability to feel anything good or feel anticipation of something we enjoy or look forward to, and at the same time unable to draw from past experiences, memories of feelings etc to at least console our selves with remembrance of how we should be feeling, happy memories or how we may be feeling in the future. Chemically induced Anhedonia also often prevents our brains from going through a natural healing process from the very conditions that some of us went to a doctor or physciatrist for in the first place.
I can't think of one single area of my life that isn't severely affected by this debilitating and inhumane condition. I don't experience any satisfaction of completion of any task i undertake and even everyday menial tasks become almost insurmountable at times, The term lack of motivation takes on a whole new meaning when we have to become extremely motivated day after day with no natural reward system in place, which is such a vital and intrinsic part of every day functionality.
Every thing from memory to perspective has become dysfunctional and interaction and communication is almost impossible at times. I no longer seem to posses ego on any level and while i understand that too much or inflated ego is a bad thing, i believe we have evolved ego for a reason and to live without any feel good factor at all can make participation in life extremely difficult.
I think that the underlying feeling that Anhedonia creates can be crippling and leaves a permanent reminder that something is very wrong and can maybe trigger more anxiety depersonalisation/derealisaion etc. It's so hard to escape withdrawal symptoms and the trauma of what we have been through if there is nothing we can do to provide any joy or positive feelings by way of distraction, Therefore Anhedonia maybe contributes substantially to what locks us in that painful state where we often feel there is no escape.
I often feel like i am an observer of my own life rather than really living it, and although i am aware of the moment, i feel locked out of it, and crave with my whole being to be able to break through this transparent barrier that blocks My way, leaving me helpless to join and be present with myself. It's almost like My physical self, My mental self and My soul are out of sync with each other and now only co-exist together rather than live and blend together in perfect harmony as they once did before meds.
Sorry... rambling on as usual... Just trying to gain some understanding by writing down some thoughts as a way of therapy i guess...
Welcome, Paul! Great to see you posting. Writing out your thoughts is a great therapy, and an excellent way to build up a needed sense of ego / self. Naming the anhedonia and lack of intrinsic motivation and describing your experience of them helps you remember they are not the true you.
You have really good ideas!
Meds free since June 2005.
"An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
-- Holger Kalweit
Hey, Paul! Welcome to the forum. :) In your post you described anhedonia to a T. I marked those passages that I especially think to be spot-on.
As much as I can explain the physical pain, the ruminations, the depression, and quite many others, anhedonia escapes me most. What I also find truly unbelievable, is this ability of ours, to, whenever necessary, fake certain emotions in front of others. If they only knew what the reality is...Originally Posted by Paul
Thank you for sharing this with us - such posts are incredibly helpful for the future readers - they will know they're not alone in their feelings. Keep healing and keep sharing your withdrawal route! At some point we'll all meet at the other side of the WD bridge.
Keep walking. Just keep walking.
I also feel like i am an observer of my life, maybe there is a part of derealization i often have. I explain the out of sync that for someone who was not on psymeds, for example, an action to be well done(thinking, walking, speaking...) needs 326 receptors, but as we have a lack of receptors because the meds, we make the action with only 298 receptors (the brain enable to repair totally), so we feel this out of sync, what are the thing we do, it is never 100% as before.
12 years paxil(9 years only 10 mg) - cold turkey(1,5 month) and switch celexa tapered 1 year 20 mg
62 years old - for GAD - 4 years 3 months meds free [since april 2009]
vegetables soup - orange (vit C) - curcuma - some meat or fish
I want to post more about this later when I have time but just wanted to thank Paul for his very thoughtful and thought-provoking post, as well as everyone, as this is something which frustrates me often as well.
Good to see you, Rhiannon! Welcome!
Meds free since June 2005.
"An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
-- Holger Kalweit
Hey, Phriannon! Welcome to IAWP.
Keep walking. Just keep walking.
Welcome Phriannon!
These words could be mine:
"I often feel like i am an observer of my own life rather than really living it, and although i am aware of the moment, i feel locked out of it, and crave with my whole being to be able to break through this transparent barrier that blocks My way, leaving me helpless to join and be present with myself. It's almost like My physical self, My mental self and My soul are out of sync with each other and now only co-exist together rather than live and blend together in perfect harmony as they once did before meds."
I am no longer the manager of my life .....
Severe anxiety since childhood .SSRIs for OCD.
Major traumatism in my life:Prozac during short periods.
Deroxat (=Paxil) during 7 years.
Three unsuccessful atempts to quit.
Deroxat free since may 2008 (Cold turkey )
Paul............
your post is so frighteningly accurate and so incredibly well written that it's painful to read since, it strikes right to the heart of the reality of what we must endure.
I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering as well as the suffering of others in this regard. You have captured the depth of the anhedonia experience, with impeccable precision.
I just wish to mention that I had about a two week period (couple of months ago) when the anhedonia lifted and although I was still plagued with other symptoms and restrictions, I was, for the first time in years, able to make many decisions. I had some goals that I wished to achieve each day and I was able to accomplish so much despite having to consciously pace myself and despite being hit with paralyzing fatigue and bursts of severe depression each day that lasted a few hours.
I was also looking forward...........mentally strategizing and planning a life...........was hopeful that I could achieve some of those plans. I felt a degree of satisfaction for the modest accomplishments I was able to achieve. I felt a degree of joy in my surroundings. I felt compelled and interested in cooking a meal and it felt almost effortless and even enjoyable despite the fact that I normally don't enjoy cooking (lol). It just didn't feel like a labourious, monumental, inconceivable endeavor that had no sense of reward or satisfaction.
I even enjoyed washing and drying dishes and obtained a sense of pride to have a clean and organized looking counter top.
Unfortunately, I lost all this temporary progress. But I did feel half alive even though restricted in many ways by other symptoms.
In any case, I just wanted to share this so others will realize that windows will open in this area. I need to remember this particular window to keep myself hopeful that there will be more such days to come in the future.
Thank you for writing such an accurate description of this state of existence.
May the Anhedonic Days Soon Become a Horrible Memory of the Past.
Samsara
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