The Recovery Will Happen - Luc's journal

[Luc]

Indeed, I do remember this very bad wave you had then, Claudius! You were suffering big time and was so disenchanted - the wave was so intense. Thank you for your words about the improvement you have experienced in the last two years - it really helps. Yes, this is all temporary and it will pass. The main problem is that the healing process is so slow our minds are tricked into thinking it has improved less than is really the case.

[Sheila]

Claudius -- That was very well put.


Luc -- I'm sorry things are so hellish. I often wonder how I have survived this. I would never have imagined I could go through what I've been through and still be alive, much less mildly sane. Sometimes, I think the reason we all manage to get through this long hell is that it is an artificial hell. What I mean is, most of us were in the moderately-well-functioning range before meds, so there is this core self that is still in there somewhere saying "This is not me, therefore surely it will pass." Also, we have a lot more psychological robustness than someone who might have had all these symptoms due to bona fide psychological trauma.

See what I mean? It's like taking reasonably normal people and dipping them in hell -- they still have a lot of self-esteem, perspective, resources, etc. Like, on average, the people who had more emotional security *before* they were put in concentration camps probably fared better than the ones who had more vulnerabilities.

Anyway, you *are* very strong. This process is supremely non-linear, so you could get better faster starting tomorrow. And, even in the hell you're in now, you still have a lot of internal and external resources you can count on.

<-- you and gD, coiled strength

[stan]

Luc,

we have no choice, past is past, stay strong, go forward!...

[Luc]

Thank you, folks. We will beat it. Just a tiny bit more... Hang in there, too!

[Luc]

Update; don't get me wrong - it's still rough and lots of healing is still to be expected, but yesterday and today... for the first time since many years (the years of ultimate physical and emotional horror - when on drugs + horrendous double c/t WD - in which I went to work!!!, and was dying of unimaginable every milisecond hell of hells, the experience beyond any description) depsite the still present symptoms, I have felt (emotionally, not rationally - the latter has been with for some time now) that it all makes sense - anhedonia has lifted in this current window by the next 20% comparing to the previous one, which has made a difference... and, when the window was at its fullest (though still with many symptoms), for the FIRST TIME in many years, I felt the MEANING or SENSE, or whatever you may call it, in it all (even if only still very stunted and unfledged). I KNOW it will not last long, but there will be next of the windows and the next...

I have no freaking idea how I have made it. No whatsoever. Or I should say I know... Yes, I simply had no other choice... For many reasons. But, I'm past the worst. There will still be the worse of times. I know it. And I don't rebel against it. Because I know the arrow at the time-continuum is pointed in the right direction - the more time will be passing, the more we will be healing...

Don't ever give up, even if it takes so much time for some of us to experience even a modicum of relief. We must stay patient, and to do all we can to wake up more people from this terrible nightmare. And they will be waking up the next ones. Take care, Everyone. We will beat this monster...

[Lotty]

Dearest Luc,
I am so pleased to hear of your window....there are no people on earth more worthy of feeling the beauty of life than those on this forum.



Much love,
Lotty

[stan]

slowly little improvements, some more important than others, i experience the same

[Sheila]

That's terrific, Luc! Isn't it interesting how the relief, the sense of meaning, and the hopefulness are all tied together?

[Luc]

Update; well, it's kind of over by now (the "feeling that I had that I had not had for so many years"). But I accept this sad fact. It will eventually be back. And *the* most important thing is that it has already been there, even if for so short...

[Sheila]

Sheesh. This is some torture, isn't it? Give someone a few hours of relief and then snatch it away again. Needless, to say I have had this experience....But, as you say, it is very meaningful that the great feelings and insight happened at all, because that means it is possible. Plus, you have a lot of experience in this community and know that this pattern is typical -- slowly the windows come more frequently, last longer, and are better quality.

I'm sorry, Luc!