My introduction part 1.

In 1998 I saw an advertising video for anti-depressant medication, it said that it also helped with anxiety. At the time, I didn’t know that what I was feeling had a name or was a condition or that it could be cured, but I related to some of the symptoms talked about in the video, so it sounded like a miracle. I went to my doctor and asked to try the medication. I've been anxious and sensitive my whole life and at the time was in a difficult situation, socially isolated, in a deteriorating abusive marriage with a young child.

The medication worked really well for about 2 weeks for the anxiety, but then I fell into a kind of flat, depressed state for several months. For me though, it still felt better than anxiety, so I endured it, not really even realizing that it was the medication causing the depression. Eventually I adapted and had some counseling, went to several support groups, went back to school and then I started college. I had some goals for my future.

Long story short – from 1998 – 2010 I have been on several different kinds of SSRI medications, Buspar, Wellbutrin, two years on Duromine (weight loss stimulant), ADHD medication, occasional Xanax and Inderal use. In all that time, I was never not on something.

In 2010 I finally managed to taper (too fast) and come off Lexapro, which I had been on for about 7 years. I seemed to be ok for about 2 months, I was on no medication at all, started eating healthy, got back into exercise and also back on the spiritual path. I started doing yoga, tai-chi and meditation. I also started reading spiritual texts again. I began a course to become a chi-ball instructor. My business and studies had fallen apart due to the stress of abuse and drawn out divorce settlement proceedings, they went on for 4 years. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on stimulant medication. I felt wonderful on that for a few weeks, but then some serious side effects started. I spent about 6 months to a year trying different kinds of stimulant medication and doses, trying to find something which I could tolerate, but nothing worked without causing incredible restlessness, OCD like symptoms and mood swings. From what I now understand, I may have been having anti-depressant withdrawals rather than side effects from the new medication.

In November 2011 over the course of a week, I had some extremely intense physical symptoms. At the time, I was focused on my spiritual practices, but also under a lot of stress from my life- having to find a home for my daughter and me with no stable income. I still hadn’t recovered emotionally from the shock of a destructive divorce, losing our family home, the ending of another 4 year relationship and a few other stressful things.

It started out like a body flu, I hurt all over and spent about 2 days on the couch, I couldn’t move, then a few days later, I had what felt like a 2 day panic attack. There was incredible heat surging through my body, I was shaking and going hot and cold, covered in sweat. All my senses were heightened and I felt pure terror. Because I was taking a spiritual perspective of things at the time, I was trying to accept it, thinking it was just a process I needed to go through as part of dismantling layers of my false self or ego.

The strange thing was, while I was going through this two days of panic, when I needed to, I could function perfectly on the outside. I was in a state of intense panic on the inside, but on the outside I was having normal conversations and driving my daughter to work. I wasn’t sure what was happening to me though. I was very confused, thinking I was having a kundalini awakening, dissolving ego, that I had got serotonin poisoning or just going crazy. I eventually gave up trying to endure it and took a very small dose of Xanax, that stopped whatever it was, for a while anyway.

I haven’t been the same since that week.

I learned about protracted AD withdrawal about 2 months ago, joined another forum and now this one. Its been well over a month since I took any psychotropic medication. Even though I stopped Lexapro in 2010, I subsequently tried to take it again earlier this year for a few days, also tried Prozac for a few days too, trying to get some relief from these symptoms. But my body is now extremely sensitive and I couldn’t handle the side effects.

I get very confused because my current symptoms are those of withdrawal, but they are also those of kundalini awakening and those of long term stress. My autonomic nervous system is obviously dysfunctional, but I’m not sure what’s caused it.

My mornings are bad, with high cortisol and I find it difficult to get up and do anything before lunch time, I feel so uncomfortable and nothing gets rid of the constant shaking and inner vibrations apart from acceptance and time. If I have to do something, I do, and manage ok, but the stress seems to then make it worse and then its like my recovery gets set back a few days, with heightened sensitivities and even more exhaustion. I seem very sensitive to the 'energies' of other people.

By late afternoon, I’m usually feeling calm, relaxed and happy and like I’m ‘normal’ again, but very tired from a day of cortisol and adrenaline running through my body. I wear a sleep mask, which helps, but I still wake up about 8am full of cortisol.

I’ve had constant depersonalization and derealisation, feeling very strange and isolated, even when surrounded by people and family, but up until learning about withdrawal, I thought it was part of a spiritual process of going through the dark night of the soul and letting go of more levels of illusion.

What I’ve realized is that the exact same symptoms can be understood from a variety of perspectives, some of them empowering and positive, but some of them negative. Its hard to know what the truth is.

This has been going on for almost 2 years now, its not quite as bad as the first 6 months, and in a weird way, every day is slightly different. I used to have sleep problems, and wake up every hour in a panic, have nightmares every night and be tormented with inner visions and frightening thoughts and horrific ideas. But now I mostly sleep through the night and no more nightmares and my inner landscape of imagery and thoughts is just disturbing now and comes in waves of minutes rather than hours.

I have bad days and worse days now, rather than horrific days and suicidal days. I usually have a few pleasant hours each evening.

I'm not sure when I will write part 2, but at least I have my own thread now. Sometimes I don't have the energy for writing anything, not even in my personal journal.