Dr David Healy

[Iggy131313]

oh and welcome to you heatherjane, I hope you start a thread for yourself so we can get to know you. xx

Its so strange when people pop up and say they have been following my story, lol. thanks for your interest and I hope you have been sending me helaing vibes, prayers, whatever youve got!

[Iggy131313]

sooooooo, its 1pmish, i slept well last night, I have noticed that recently when Freddie comes in to wake us up at 7am instead of rolling over and trying to block it all out because the horror and anxiety is overbearing, Im rolling over and blocking it out becasue Im really tired, and also some anxiety, but that anxiety is definitly less.

only have very mild pgad today so thats helping my mood, i have been to the shops and acutally started buying things I dont need, like pretty tryas for serving nice food on and packets of pocket tissues with flowers on, as I was paying I thought, well if im going to commit suicide why am I buying tea trays? so there must be part of me that thinks Im going to survive this, that belives I will recover enough to serve tea on pretty trays...

the sun is blazing again, I have been trying to get as much as possible to get my vitamin d levels up, here in manchester the sun is rare so I need to get as much as I can, while I can, and it dosnt seem to be doing me any harm, also I havent had any bad reaction to taking 600mg omega 3, im pleased about that.

Freds last day at school tomorrow and I am giving the 2 teachers a sock monkey lol, cheaper than flowers and I have quite a supply, so sock monkey and a packet of love hearts sweets and a nice card that I wrote with him last night. doing things like that make me again realise that I really dont have anhedonia, so thats a good thing, but if pgad is an excess of dopamine then I wont have lol...anyway I dont think it is an excess of dopamine, I think its demyelinating of that area, lucky I have omega 3 to help..

so today its so far so good, lets hope its stays that way. and will SOMEONE shoot my torturer?

[Iggy131313]

reminder to myself of why I am hanging in there, I took Fred to mcdonalds 3 days ago here he is, I know I am VERY biased but I think hes so beautiful, I dont think that about all things regarding him, I know hes not the smartest in his class, or the bravest, and after sports day I cetainly know hes not the fastest, but he is so beautiful, i love him so much

[Iggy131313]

and thats even better for me becasue look how much he looks like me as a child, poor thing, I hope he doesnt turn out looking like me when he grows up!

me at his age

[stan]

nice cute pictures, many happiness is waiting for you, if you are able to understand what is withdrawal and not throw things as it is permanent, i am finished, good bye all etc
many would be in your situation which is not so catastrophic

[Iggy131313]

thanks stan, I hope your right.

[mona]

Adorable Sweetie, he's what's gonna pull you through.

[Iggy131313]

9pm and i have to say that today has been alot better, and VERY odd, I am cycling very rapidly through symptoms, I will have pgad for 5 minutes and feel totally suicidal, then that will go away and I feel happy and fine, then some anxiety for 5 minutes, then that will go away...

I was planting some flowers earlier and feeling quite peaceful and all of a sudden I thought, Im going to kill myself.....5 minutes later that plan was off....very VERY odd, it feels like my brain is trying to find some kind of balance, but if its healing then today I have felt like Im healing....it wont last but thats how I feel,

could be because my period ended a couple of days ago and im entering the safer zone, could be because my brain likes the higher levels of fish oil, could be JUST BECASUE, but Im not complaining its been a welcome relief, my husband said a few minutes ago, you seem alot better today, I agreed he said he has noticed it all day but didtn want to say anything and tempt fate, which is also why I never mentioned it.

so after my good shopping trip earlier I managed to put together the teachers gifts, plants some flowers, cook a spaggetti bolognaise, clean the kitchen, plan my suicide (oops) lol, watch a bit of telly and think about the future in a more positive way. No akathisia not a hint, no vertigo or dizzyness, some anxiety yes and some pgad and some suicidal thoughts and some general withdrawal feelings but all in all ive been alot worse, Im functioning.

tonight I have been watching some clips and stuff on youtube, gave Fred his bath put him to bed and in the past few days I have been able to read him a story, thats the lifting of the akathisia, with that having the patience to sit and read a kids book is simply impossible, and when the pgad was very strong it was also impossible but now it is possible but a little uncomfortable. its not perfect, not by a long shot, but its doable.

I also have been thnkig over the past year, and its AMAZING how little I remember, I have the PTSD bank, those memories are more than clear but Im trying to block them out, but on the whole my memory of the year is blurry and broken, good. one very strong memory I have from christmas where I had akathisia non stop, NON STOP 24/7...and my parents were here, it was evening time and we needed something from the shop, I cant remember what but I wanted to go, better to be moving than trying to sit still, I walked to the local shops and it was dark and snowing, I remember crying and looking at the snow falling, each flake, and thinking I was just another flake of snow, as inconsequential as 1 snowflake, that my life didnt matter, and wishing I could melt away for it to be that easy, that was 7 months ago, I cant belive it was 7 months ago.

I still feel like that, but I dont have akathisia non stop.

But what Im trying to say is today I have had fleeting moment of ME coming through, a definite me, a me I recognise and I me I want back, im still in there. the pgad is scaring me but I have been getting emails and messages from people saying they had this too and it went away, so there is a chance, I hope.

[Sheila]

Very good sign about the tea trays! Great your tolerating the sun and the Omega.

Freddie sure is a sweetie. And so are you.

Interesting about the rapid cycling. I think that’s a good sign; there’s a lot of movement. Definitely like your system is searching for the static-free channel.

Ah, you! You have to tell us when you’re premenstrual! You definitely get an exacerbation of w/d then. As did I.

Soooooooo good you had such a good day!

[shel]

So happy for you Iggy - it sounds like you had two pretty good days in a row! The way your symptoms are shifting around sounds like a good sign to me, like they (the symptoms) are trying to "get out" if that makes any sense. I love the pictures - Freddie is so adorable! I definitely see the resemblance between the two of you - that means you are adorable too! :)