18 years on psychotropics and waking up

[Sheila]

Ooof. I wonder how your husband’s going to do on that meds discontinuation plan…..

It’s some good news that he does recognize some of the fraud and the danger re these drugs.

There have been other psych med recoverers on the discussion forums who were married to MDs who got it only partially or didn’t get it at all. It’s extremely stressful to be married to someone who is so invested in not seeing that the Emperor is naked.

I’m really sorry you have so little support from him. :(

Actually, MDs tend to take lots of meds, including psych meds. It’s a dirty little secret.

[BabblingBrooke]

It is concerning, to say the least. My emotions are so raw right now and having him going through this and unwilling to talk about it is unnerving.

Interesting about MDs taking meds. Having been around many MDs, I felt that that was the case. It adds a whole different level to trying to understand why docs are in such strong denial. If they haven't taken the drugs themselves, they've probably put a family member or friend on them. There must be a tremendous amount of angst involved.

[BabblingBrooke]

Hi everyone. Thank you all for your responses and encouragement. I've had a rough few weeks with pain and husband's withdrawal emotions ramping up badly. I'm trying to leave although I have no plan or particular place to go. It's extremely difficult to leave my horses and my 'firstborn' pulled up lame yesterday. I feel terribly guilty because I haven't been taking care of them like I used to or they deserve. I went outside with them in the middle of the night and bawled. I must change what is a toxic living situation once and for all and I don't see a way to do it with the horses. Two are older (one well into his 20s) and transporting is hard on them. It's breaking my heart.
I feel so lost.

[sterre]

O my, what a hell of a ride it's been for you!
But how wonderful that despite of your surroundings, you saw how the drugs you took where doing more harm then good.

I have also found that my AD's made me far more depressed than I acctually am, and that was one of the reasons why I decided to quit them after 16 years of use.
You must have a very strong willed personality to have seen the damage the drugs did to you and not to believe in the psycho babble about these drugs anymore, good for you!

Keep on writing BabblingBrooke, it is hard to have to deal with the returning emotions again, especially because they where supressed for such a long time, and they seem to come back with a much higher intensity then they originaly where. I suppose that eventually they will balance themselves out again.

[Luc]

BB, so sorry to read about this very hard time yo're having right now. You're such a compassionate and sensitive person. Please, do know we're with you. Also, please, do NOT feel guilty. You are so brave and so resillient in it all depsite the WD! If it wasn't for WD, you would feel completely, complately different. Do you experience any "windows" (by windows I mean even an hour of fewer or less intense symptoms)?

[Sheila]

Sterre -- That was such a great post -- you really reminded BB of all her achievements in getting to this point, even though it doesn't feel like a great point to be at right now. But, you're absolutely right -- it is a great achievement.




BB -- I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. Try to give yourself time to figure things out, explore different plans, feel your way, listen to your intuition. I find I just can't process things as fast as I used to -- neither emotionally nor cognitively. Complex situations take me much longer to navigate. You have a lot of life experience and intelligence. But you're looking at big changes while very sick. Just give yourself the space to make a good plan.

A couple of ideas for your consideration -- What about a horse sanctuary for your horses, where you could visit them, but they would be cared for by others? What about finding a horse-crazy teenaged girl who would groom them in exchange for riding or for a small wage? Am I living in the 1950s? What about contacting the Tellington-Touch people for ideas?

Sending you and your horses tons of good energy.

[Barbara]

Babbling Brooke, you are doing an outstanding job of facing your demons head on.* There are so many parts of your life that are now shifting and being uprooted.* You will prevail, and the old baggage that has been holding you down for so long will be gone.* This will give you a much greater life force to move into your new identity that you have had the courage to reshape.

In regard to your horses -- that are so much a part of your own spirit -- I'm wondering if you have any friends who also have horses who could be of any assistance during this difficult time?

[BabblingBrooke]

Thanks to everyone, AGAIN! Your encouragement and ideas are very helpful. I am quite isolated in a rural area and very little real world support. Husband is going through withdrawal and having anger outbursts directed at me last week. Very stressful as he's always been subdued by meds that he began before I met him 19 years ago. The tension added to my urgency to get out and also the neck and head pain.
I have left a few times over the years but ran into some roadblock that seemed insurmountable at the time. I believe the drugs have caused apathy in both of us and our life has eroded. As I 'wake up' I frequently think 'WHY have I settled for this for so long??' We went to a few couples counselors over the years and more than one expressed that there was so little energy between us (good or bad) that made it difficult to work with. One expressed that even anger had more potential than the deadness between us. I never correlated that to drugs until the past year. Husband bailed after one or two sessions, blaming our problems on my injury/career loss/depression.
I'm not an impulsive person although I get feelings of urgency now in withdrawal. More neuroemotion. A friend found the perfect word for how dragged down I get in my home: entombed. When I do get out, I feel like I am fleeing and cry when I return. It's an awful way to live. He is very hard of hearing (finally diagnosed after 10 years of my asking/pleading/begging). However, he wont wear his aid at home. Communication is only what is absolutely necessary and I've learned to stick to yes/no questions. I miss banter, sharing, casual conversation. We never had a great deal but it has gotten much worse over the years. I have functioned as a single person for years. The loneliness is much greater now. The Pristiq seemed to make the aloneness ok. I thought I was a very independent person and could entertain myself. I imagine the truth is somewhere in there.

I am reading the site with great interest. There is much more I'd like to share and contribute. It has been a tough time recently with increased pain and stress.

I wish you all healing by the day and longterm. It is a wild and scary ride.

[Sheila]

As usual, BB, you are having lots of good insight and processing things really well. This *is* a complex picture you’re describing, with psychological and med / neuro issues all interacting with each other. But we are so lucky to at least *know* it’s a complex picture. I am very worried by the huge numbers of individuals and couples out there who have no idea that their meds are a part of their problem.