my history

[grandmaD]

Hello grandmaD!
Your story is so similar to ours and especially mine.
I felt like I was in a dream, a robot, empty, a nothing person with no mind.
I used to say that I was a "dead-living" person

I added more aches and pains, especially in hips and knees. This was put down to arthritis. No Dr. could explain what was wrong with me.

I was only 50 years old and felt like I was 80. Even my 70 year old father could climb the steps to his apartment and I could not! I had to use lifts
I lost muscle strength and I could walk for only about 10mins (to the front gate) it was such a huge effort
Same for me and after 4 years off Paxil I am still suffering from muscles weakness and I am not able to walk correctly.
But happily I have had big other improvements .We need a lot of patience...

It is very reassuring to discover others having the same symptoms. For many, many years, I believed it was me. Because I was still relatively young, it felt like others didn't believe me ad that I was either a winger or a hypochondriac so I learned to say nothing and bury the hurt and pain. It is now a relief to know that it wasn't me and my imagination!

I am very sorry to hear that after 4 years you still suffer with aches and pains. How long were you on for? What dosage? How did you come off?

[grandmaD]

Thank you Sheila for your compassionate words! omg you made me cry! I shocked myself, as that doesn't happen easily or often. I did not post here to get sympathy, but to inform others and get a wider input from other people! Just the same, it was very comforting to read your words, they must've touched the right spot!

[grandmaD]

2010/2011
I began to feel really good again. I still had no idea that this was related to the full dose! Next time I tried skipping days from 1 day without to 3 days without to 5 days without. This too, was hell. Again, I went back on 20mg.

I tried reducing by 1mg at a time, experiencing scalp “crawlies”, head banging, tension headaches, breathlessness, palpitations, pressure heads and my blood pressure went up to 160. Then when I got chest pains I went to hospital where my blood pressure and heart were declared normal and the Dr. could offer absolutely no explanation for all my symptoms! By this time I had got myself down to around 7mg.

I then joined PP and was advised to updose to 9mg and stabilize which I did. This took me 3 months, during which time I continued to experience tension headaches, regular headaches, palpitations, breathlessness, tight chests, head banging and body vibrations. During this time it was realized my scales were not accurate enough and I bought ones that read 0.000.


I had other issues that I also though was just me, but have since learned from pp that they too, are withdrawal effects, like not feeling “real”, withdrawing socially, lack of ability to concentrate, clumsiness, etc (can’t remember them all!)

Then began my 5% taper with new sympoms of pressure heads, tight chest, insomnia, indigestion, RLS, head vibes and dizziness. I did not cope very well at all with the first 2 drops which were spaced at 4 weeks (then mistake with weighing with old scales and then the new – my cognitive skills really bad all this time which I have not kept a track of because most of the time, I didn’t realize it) and then 8 weeks for the next taper.

I also experienced some extremely weird symptoms a couple of times that were quite frightening with intense body and head vibrations, feeling dizzy and thinking I might pass out, so I lay on the floor. It appears that this was because I changed the time of taking my tablet one time and at other times I took it late, so I now take it the same time every day.

By this time I was getting impatient, yet not confident to go down, but was encouraged by another member, who said that some drops are better than others, so I took the plunge.

I was amazed (and still am and wonder if I was weighing tabs wrong again!) that this drop was fairly good and after coping pretty well for 4 weeks I dropped again, thinking I might be now able to do 4 week drops.

This was not the case, as pressure headaches and breathlessness continued to plague me and I stayed at this dose for 11 weeks. Another symptom (had in the past on and off at low levels) came now, with naseau being every day and quite bad, so that it was difficult to eat.

At this point I began feeling once again, frustrated at how long it was taking to stabilize and wanting to keep going and impatient at the realization it is going to take 6 years at this rate. When I get frustrated and impatient I seem to get irrational as well, and have thoughts of CT or doing a 10% taper to get off the poison. I can call it that, because my script comes with the words: “issued under the poisons act”.

[grandmaD]

Oh, my friend, I am so sorry to hear of this terrible, long story of iatrogenesis. What a hard, hard road. You are incredibly strong and persevering. You have a strong life force.

Is there more of the story coming? Are you tapering? Are you on Paxil only? What is your life like now?

Again, my heart goes out to you. Thank goodness you have finally discovered the truth and now can begin to heal for real. All this misery will be turned into something good.

The last past pretty much brings me up to date.

Yes, still on Paxil now at 7mg and about to taper.

Life now? Probably treading water
Which is better than when I crashed a year ago and was drowning.

[Luc]

It is very reassuring to discover others having the same symptoms. For many, many years, I believed it was me. Because I was still relatively young, it felt like others didn't believe me ad that I was either a winger or a hypochondriac so I learned to say nothing and bury the hurt and pain. It is now a relief to know that it wasn't me and my imagination!

GrandmaD, this is the *most* important thing. Tapering those drugs would be basically impossible, if we didn't know about the existence of WD. Also, the pains and aches you're mentioning are exact same in my case, and when sometimes some real physical ailment happens, the pain and anxiety are then tenfold. The good news is that it *is* improving. And it *will* keep improving, until the point it will all become only a very bad dream of the past. Don't ever give up!

[Cosette123]

It is very reassuring to discover others having the same symptoms. For many, many years, I believed it was me. Because I was still relatively young, it felt like others didn't believe me ad that I was either a winger or a hypochondriac so I learned to say nothing and bury the hurt and pain. It is now a relief to know that it wasn't me and my imagination!

I am very sorry to hear that after 4 years you still suffer with aches and pains. How long were you on for? What dosage? How did you come off?

I began to take SSRIs for OCD when I was young(25) but I had no problem to stop after several months.No problem at all. I trusted the doctors and I was not informed of the danger of these poisons. Many years later I had a big traumatism in my life and I was put on Prozac without major problem. I stopped after a few months but my OCD problems appeared again and I was put on Deroxat(Paxil) 20 mg.And it was the beginning of Hell. I tried 3 or 4 times to quit unsuccessfully.I gained weight and I could not accept that.I quit Cold turkey in may 2008.This was a huge mistake but I was not informed of the dangers.The first weeks were very hard but I naively believed I shall be drug-free after a few weeks...Months passed with a lot of problems(Access of anger and rage, vertigo, dizziness...) but the worse came later.The second year was terrible with severe depression and total lack of self-esteem,suicide ideas , high level of anxiety, severe agoraphobia (I could not go outside ,even in my own garden), panic attacks...
The third year was different and more bearable but I began to have physical symptoms(Ataxia, pseudo-Parkinson,muscular weakness:I cannot hold a cup of coffee in my left hand...).
The fourth year brought me real psychical improvements but I am still suffering from physical problems which will probably be the last ones to go away.

[Luc]

Cosette, if I may ask - those physical pains are more muscles or joints? I know it's basically all of it, but which is more prevailing?

[Lotty]

Thank you Sheila for your compassionate words! omg you made me cry! I shocked myself, as that doesn't happen easily or often. I did not post here to get sympathy, but to inform others and get a wider input from other people! Just the same, it was very comforting to read your words, they must've touched the right spot!

Hi Grandma.....yes, Sheila always makes me cry too!!!!!!!!!!
Such beautiful, compassionate people on this site. It really is a special place.

[Sheila]

gD -- Yeah, treading water is definitely better than drowning. I hear ya. Isn’t it sobering how we have to cherish even such a poor quality of life, because it’s better than what came before?!

I’m so glad you felt seen by me, gD. I can see from what you’ve written that you don’t want to be a winger or pull too much for sympathy, but I hope you will feel that this is a place where we can all exchange sympathy. We all certainly deserve it, and it’s healing for us.

“Issued under the poisons act” << -- wow, that really says it all, doesn’t it?

OK, it sounds like you’ve learned the hard way that you have to taper ultra-slowly. I so, so understand your frustration. I cannot even find words to tell you how frustrated I am – I get better, but the pace is so slow.

You also seem to have had a very important insight – that when you get frustrated and impatient, you imagine that all of a sudden you have become someone who can tolerate a fast taper. ;) I want to underline this. I think it’s key to avoiding as much suffering as possible for you.

When I get frustrated, impatient, and irritable – which I do regularly – I often talk to myself out loud and say something like “Slow down. You are really impatient, and you are now at risk for accidentally hurting yourself or breaking something.” I have to really consciously compensate or I *will* accidentally do something I’ll regret.

You are doing a superb job of learning the parameters of your relationship with this poison and the most effective way of liberating yourself from it. This patience – or at least faking patience ;) – will pay off for you. You will be free! So many people will never be free from this enslavement because they won’t be able to find the escape route.

<< -- coiled rage and power, waiting patiently for the right moment

[Sheila]

Ha ha, Lotty! If I'm crying constantly, I want everyone else to be crying, too!