my history

[Barbara]

Hi Grandma D,

What an incredible trooper you are. It is great to have you on our site and we have a lot to learn from you. I very much admire your determination and will look forward to hear more from you.

[grandmaD]

Thanks Luc, where are you from? Yes, you are right, I was much relieved to discover it was not me and then saddened to discover manyh others in the same boat. People used to say to me "you look well" and I felt like crap and ugly inside! I felt so insulted! If only they knew. But it is reassuring to find you guys who DO KNOW!

"Tapering these drugs would be impossible if we didn't know the existence of w/d" Oh, how right you are! Also without these sites! I must admit, being older, I did not trust the internet. The thought crossed my mind, but I rejected it for 4 years! I finally got up the courage in Dec 2010 to "sneak a look" and that was when I saw all these people with the same symptoms as myself and the suggestion that my symptoms may not be me, but, in fact, withdrawal! So thanks, to you guys for the work you do for us all!

[grandmaD]

I began to take SSRIs for OCD when I was young(25) but I had no problem to stop after several months.No problem at all. I trusted the doctors and I was not informed of the danger of these poisons. Many years later I had a big traumatism in my life and I was put on Prozac without major problem. I stopped after a few months but my OCD problems appeared again and I was put on Deroxat(Paxil) 20 mg.And it was the beginning of Hell. I tried 3 or 4 times to quit unsuccessfully.I gained weight and I could not accept that.I quit Cold turkey in may 2008.This was a huge mistake but I was not informed of the dangers.The first weeks were very hard but I naively believed I shall be drug-free after a few weeks...Months passed with a lot of problems(Access of anger and rage, vertigo, dizziness...) but the worse came later.The second year was terrible with severe depression and total lack of self-esteem,suicide ideas , high level of anxiety, severe agoraphobia (I could not go outside ,even in my own garden), panic attacks...
The third year was different and more bearable but I began to have physical symptoms(Ataxia, pseudo-Parkinson,muscular weakness:I cannot hold a cup of coffee in my left hand...).
The fourth year brought me real psychical improvements but I am still suffering from physical problems which will probably be the last ones to go away.

Cosette, so nice to meet someone from France! It never ceases to amaze me the people on this poison from all over the world. By the way, I am not being sarcastic - my script comes with the words "issued under clasue 37 of the poisons act"!

You were very young, and that makes me sad and mad! It was bad enough for me being 40 but it still takes away a huge chunk of your life.

It is tragic that we were told lies and not informed, but worse that Drs. seem to reject the truth and listen to the lies they are fed. My latest/newest Dr. told me people don't have this trouble getting off (that I am having) and quite over a 2 month period. So I asked her directly "how many of these people do you know personally?" and she replied "well, none, really.."

I admire you for persevering, as I CT and lasted only 6mos and severe depression led me to previous Dr. who said I should stay on it for life and was not interested in helping me get off. That's why I have another "new" Dr. Keep persevering, you have your youth on your side and I should think you will recover much quicker than an older person (as I am now neary 60).

By the way, what is OCD?

[grandmaD]

Ha ha, Lotty! If I'm crying constantly, I want everyone else to be crying, too!

Hey Sheila, you are a treat! You made me smile today! I love your little pics - and I love that tiger and all he represents - you are a very insightful person.

[grandmaD]

Such beautiful, compassionate people on this site. It really is a special place.

Yea Lotty, it is different isn't it. These guys really know how to "hit the nail on the head"! There is a real warmth here. I am not going to knock pp, no way, because that is where I got my first help and the practical help and knowledge I got there was tremendous. After 4 or so years of crashing (lost count) I have not crashed in 12 months and i owe it to them for that.

But this is a place you can droop into - I mean drop in, oh well, droop sounds good too - and you know the kettle is on and they are expecting you!

[Luc]

Thanks Luc, where are you from? Yes, you are right, I was much relieved to discover it was not me and then saddened to discover manyh others in the same boat. People used to say to me "you look well" and I felt like crap and ugly inside! I felt so insulted! If only they knew. But it is reassuring to find you guys who DO KNOW!

I'm a European. :) It's kinda linked with what you rightly are writing next in your post/s - thanks to the Web, we've been able to help another despite our all being physically so far away. Hadn't it been for it, no chance in hell we could go through WD.

[Luc]

By the way, what is OCD?

Here would be the most comprehensive description of it ----> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsess...lsive_disorder
In some it happens w/o even being in WD, though in WD it gets hellish, even for those who didn't have it before starting drugs/in WD. I never had it before drugs, then it got freakishly intense, and totally irrational. But it does improve.

[Sheila]

grandmaD and Lotty -- Thanks so much for all the kind words and recognition -- from all of us Founders!

We don't have a tea kettle emoticon....yet....but please.....have some turkey.....

[grandmaD]

I have now dropped to 6.6mg

I started to feel it on day 2 with the head pressure returning, but was mild. It didn't help that the neighbour's dog barked incessantly for an hour from 12.30am to 1.30am till I remembered I had some earplugs. I had to get out of bed, find a torch, search for them and then when I got back in bed, I was so het up I could hear my heart pounding and my breathing due to having the ear plugs in and that was annoying! I think it was 4am before I finlly got to sleep.

Nex day the head pressure was increased to moderate and then devloped into a headache and the breathlessness returned.

Today the head pressure is back to moderate and the headache is like a dull head. Other things are back, like lethargy, slowness, heavyness, my "batcave" and tiredness.

While I was treading water I feel like I am drowning again, but this time I have a different aspect to the previous 12 months as I now know that this should pass .... just hope it is less than 11 weeks this year .... so I am clinging to my life buoy, muddling along, no walk today, but will do my exercises and waiting for the lifeboat!

[grandmaD]

For some time, I noticed others know rather well how they feel from day to day and I couldn't relate to that. So while we were away travelling in our van, I put the exhasut fan on, well it was actually when I turned it off I felt the "relief" and I realised that is how I feel - like the fan is on inside me all the time - without relief. So I put together this little story to describe how it is for me!
WHAT’S IT LIKE?

I find it very hard to describe how I feel, and was thinking about how I might describe it.

While in the caravan on our recent trip I was able to use the things around me to describe what it has been like in withdrawal.

I am in the caravan, so it is a very confined space.

The radio was on very low, about level 2. That would be me when I am speaking.

The heater, making a loud noise represents the vibrations in my body.

While I am cooking, I on put on the microwave. This would represent the buzzing and ringing in my ears.

Then I put on the exhaust fan. This is even louder and represents head pressure.

Then the smoke alarm goes off and this represents the ear ringing when it goes to levels 2 and 3.

Cooking makes me hot and this represents the hot flushes, so it is off with the cardigan and slippers.

Then my husband speaks to me and I have a great deal of trouble hearing him. It takes a good deal of effort trying to concentrate on what he is saying because of all the din going on in this confined space/inside of me.

It is also a great deal of effort for me to speak, because level 2 is drowned out by all the noise/symptoms.

I can’t wait to get into bed, but unfortunately although I have turned off the radio, microwave, alarm, fan and heater, I still have all the din going on inside of me! There is no getting away from it. I am dog tired and yet I lay there tossing and turning with RLS as well and racing thoughts for the next 2 hours.

The reason we went away in our van was to “get away from it all” for a bit of a distraction. I had not factored into it that I was going also and that it was myself I was trying to get away from!