Hi

[Vie]

I've been meaning to post here for a while but due to cognitive issues kept postponing it. But I guess if I keep letting that prevent me from posting I'll never actually post so I'll just make the disclaimer that now that I might be difficult to follow at times or unclear because my mind is pretty much a mess.

I came off around a 18 months ago and have had few improvements in fact some things have gotten worse, especially my cognitive problems.

One of the problems I've been having more recently which has worsened is to do with my identity. I started medication in my teens and I'm not sure exactly of the effect that's had but I feel now as if "I" have disappeared. My prior self image, characteristics, passion, self esteem etc. seem to be dead. I don't know how I feel about things and I am often asking myself "what do I feel about this" or "why don't I feel how I should feel". I feel like I'm losing/have lost myself and I feel so much grief over everything that has happened that thinking of the future or things getting better is only one aspect of it. I'm not even over the trauma of the experience let alone dealing with the fact that it's ongoing.

My therapist made a point in my last session that I seem to be drifting and I think it was a good point. For a long time I had constant thoughts of suicide and although I haven't killed myself I think I still haven't made the decision to live either or to move on. I've given up but done it passively, I want to try but it feels so overwhelming and I feel like I've been completely crushed by the experience.

I'm here because I don't have the insight or skills to help or understand myself anymore and I really need somewhere that I can talk about all of this because irl there's nowhere.

[Luc]

Hi, Vie! Welcome to the rorum! :) I'll be back in 2-3 hours and then I'll answer your post. Now I'll just say this one very important thing - if you're 18 months off, and you took those drugs for a long time, you're still in WD, which means that you're and you'll be healing. More soon! We will do all we can to help you. Take care!

[Luc]

Those cognitive and of identity problems are part and parcel of WD. And they will be improving with time. How long were you on the drugs (what exactly was it? And what doses?)You were prescribed it for a depression? And, very imporantly, did you go cold turkey or there was some taper?

The depersonalization and derealization you're experiencing is one of the most common symptoms in WD, many folks call it a "fog". But this, too, will keep improving.

That is very good that you decided to post here - it will be helping you to heal better. Sharing your experience, talking and venting your suffering helps a lot. :)

[stan]

hello Vie, welcome,

when you take drugs, drugs are altering cognition, memory, personality, and all chemical exchanges of the body, it is not a natural cognition and personality function in normal events of life, it is cognition, personality defined by drugs, you have abnormal thinking, digestive, all this in homeostasie or in tolerance...
and when you stop the drugs, the brain must resume its normal functions, that is why nothing works normally, and it takes years to work natural again;
i have what you experience, but with time i am a new rebuilt, with my new personality, memory (bad but it is my memory and not chemical)

[Sheila]

Welcome, Vie! Good for you for posting despite your concerns about your cognition. I’m sure you notice problems in yourself, but, in fact, you come across as very clear, precise, and insightful!

I, too, had the experience of things getting significantly worse many months after my last dose. This is fairly common. It still turns around again and starts to improve.

Your experience of being confused about your sense of self is common for all of us, but it's particularly an issue for people who started taking the meds in their teens.

I think taking the meds causes a partial developmental freeze for all of us. It varies form person to person – some manage to still grow in some ways, but almost everyone gets kind of developmentally arrested to some extent.

Then, w/d really rocks your boat, and constitutes a huge, transformative experience that really changes you – ultimately for the better.

Now, if you started the meds as an adult, then go through w/d, you still have some point of reference for who you are. If you started the meds as a teen, you really don’t.

So, one way to look at this is that you are being born now, or picking up on your developmental path from where you were at the age you started the meds. Of course, you have learned and matured since then – I can see from your writing that you are very mature and sophisticated. But, I mean, the not knowing how you feel about things could be looked at as very normal for a younger person. (I want to give credit where credit is due – I am expanding on an idea of Laurie Yorke’s, administrator of paxilprogress.)

I think it’s a combo – you are still in w/d, recovering from neurological changes, and everything Luc and Stan said applies. But, as someone who started the meds young, you also have to develop now in a way that you were blocked from doing. Some of that development you can get started on now; some may require waiting for some more neuro healing to transpire.

We are really into helping people discover what they’re interested in, so maybe we can help you a bit. Is there anything that you feel an inkling of being drawn to? Or not really yet?

[Barbara]

Welcome Vie,

It is really good to hear from you. And you did very well explaining what some of the main issues are for you and too, how you are currently feeling. Thanks for having the courage to write and share your experience.

We will look forward to hearing more about your journey.

Warm regards, Barbara

[Vie]

Hi Luc, Stan, Sheila, Barbara and thank you all for your replies...such a warm welcome.

There are times when I just feel like I can't write at all so I might be a bit late with replying sometimes.

Luc - I started Paroxetine (20mg) when I was 16. After a brief hospitalization I was switched to another antidepressant at 18 which I quit in less than a year. I then went back on Paroxetine for about the next 5 years and attempted to come off in 2009 which resulted in a crash. I reinstated at half my dose and (20mg) and tapered near the beginning of 2010 for about 8/9 months at the advice of another site. My original diagnosis was "low mood", I also had some issues with self harm and situational problems. I had been seeing a counselor on and off for maybe a year or two prior to that and things weren't improving. In hindsight I think the counselling didn't improve anything because it was all wrong for me personally. Sometimes I think it made things worse. There was no structure, no advice and I learnt no coping skills. It was more like a question and answer session every session, a very impersonal, hands off approach. I found out much later that therapy doesn't have to be like that and that that kind of therapy is not helpful for me.

My reaction to the med switch at 18 is similar to my recent one except that it feels like accumulated damage, so I still have the symptoms I developed, some of which are now worse plus new ones. Some people it seems can switch or reinstate and do ok but for me both times I've come off I've done extremely badly (even when I've gone back on afterwards) and never got back to how I was before getting off. But the first two years of being on Paroxetine were fine, I didn't even notice myself feeling much different. A little better for the first few months but after that nothing, I even complained I didn't think it was working.

It's interesting that you mention derealization and depersonalization, I never thought that could be it - I always thought that those were too extreme to cover my symptoms but I guess it's possible I could have a milder version.

I will post some more soon in response to the other questions it's just I'm using someone else's laptop to type this as mine is busted and am limited time wise.

[Sheila]

It sounds like you have figured out a lot -- the hard way -- but it's great that you have learned so much about yourself, what you need, what works for you, what doesn't work for you. This will pay off.

[Luc]

The good thing is that there was a taper in your case, Vie. You will recover from it. Just take it easy. Our body has an unbelievable healing potential. Time will heal everything.

[grandmaD]

It makes me so sad to read that a young person, so young is put on these drugs. It is bad enough when you are older, but a young person, whose brain is still growing and developing, aaaaggghhh makes me mad too!